Forgiving Our Parents: The Path to Inner Peace
As children, we often see our parents as larger-than-life figures. They are the ones who shape our earliest understanding of the world, and their actions (or inactions) leave indelible marks on our hearts. For many, those marks are warm and supportive, but for others, they are complicated—filled with pain, misunderstandings, or even outright neglect.
As adults, we carry the weight of those early experiences. Resentment, frustration, and even anger toward our parents can linger well into adulthood. But what if, instead of holding onto these feelings, we chose a different path? What if we dared to forgive?
Forgiveness, especially when it comes to our parents, is not about excusing harmful behavior or erasing the past. Instead, it’s about understanding their humanity and, in doing so, freeing ourselves from the burdens we’ve carried.
Seeing Through a Different Lens
To truly understand our parents, we must step out of the role of "the child" and see them for who they are
: flawed, complex individuals shaped by their own upbringing, struggles, and circumstances. This shift in perspective doesn’t excuse their mistakes but helps us realize that they were navigating life with the tools they had at the time—tools that may have been inadequate or broken.
For example, consider this: Who were your parents before they were “Mom” and “Dad”? Did they grow up in homes filled with love, or were they raised amidst turmoil, neglect, or strict expectations? Did they experience loss, trauma, or disappointment long before you were born? What societal or financial pressures did they face while raising you? These questions don’t justify the pain they may have caused, but they offer a glimpse into why they made certain choices—or why they struggled to make better ones.
The Weight of Parenthood
Being a parent is a role that comes without a perfect instruction manual. Imagine, for a moment, what it must have been like for them to juggle their responsibilities, hopes, and fears. Maybe they were trying to shield you from their own pain and, in doing so, unintentionally passed some of it along. Or perhaps they were just too overwhelmed to show up in the ways you needed. It’s hard to offer what you’ve never been taught to give.
While it's tempting to see our parents as “all-powerful,” they were, in many cases, just trying to survive themselves. This perspective isn’t meant to minimize your experience but to add depth to the story of your relationship with them.
Balancing Accountability and Empathy
Forgiveness isn’t about denying that harm was done. If your parents hurt you—whether through words, actions, or neglect—those wounds are real and deserve to be acknowledged. Holding them accountable for their behavior is an essential part of healing. You can forgive while still recognizing the ways they fell short.
But forgiveness becomes possible when we see that their mistakes were a reflection of their limitations, not of your worth. It’s not about saying, “It’s okay that you hurt me.” It’s about saying, “I won’t let the hurt you caused continue to control me.”
This doesn’t mean you have to reconcile or even maintain a close relationship with your parents if that doesn’t feel safe or healthy. Forgiveness is an internal process—a gift you give yourself, not necessarily something you say out loud to them.
The Freedom of Letting Go
Holding onto anger and resentment toward our parents can feel justified, even comforting. But over time, those emotions can become chains, keeping us tied to the very pain we want to escape. Forgiveness, on the other hand, is liberating. It allows us to release the weight of bitterness and create space for peace, joy, and growth.
When we forgive, we aren’t letting our parents “off the hook.” We are choosing to prioritize our own well-being over the need to replay the injustices of the past. We stop waiting for an apology that may never come and start reclaiming the power to heal ourselves.
A New Narrative
Forgiving our parents doesn’t mean forgetting the lessons of our childhood. In fact, it can deepen our understanding of ourselves. By recognizing where they went wrong, we gain clarity about how we want to live and love differently.
We also get to rewrite the narrative of our own lives. Instead of being defined by the pain of our upbringing, we can be shaped by the resilience we’ve cultivated. Instead of seeing ourselves as victims of their mistakes, we can view ourselves as empowered individuals who choose compassion over anger.
Final Thoughts
Forgiveness is not a one-time decision but an ongoing process. Some days, it will feel easier than others. But each step toward forgiveness—however small—brings us closer to inner peace.
In the end, forgiving our parents is not about excusing their behavior or pretending our pain doesn’t matter. It’s about recognizing their humanity and, in turn, embracing our own. It’s about saying, “You didn’t have to be perfect to deserve love—and neither do I.”
And in that moment of forgiveness, we set ourselves free.