As children, we instinctively develop ways of thinking, feeling, and acting that help us navigate the world. Whether it’s staying quiet to avoid conflict, seeking constant approval, or daydreaming as a way to escape stressful situations, these behaviors serve us in profound ways when we are young. They protect us, help us make sense of our environment, and even ensure our emotional survival in situations that feel unsafe or unpredictable.
But what happens when these same behaviors follow us into adulthood?
The Origins of Our Childhood Behaviors
Imagine yourself as a child again. You might remember a time when being quiet or obedient earned you love and praise from your parents or teachers. Perhaps, in a chaotic household, you learned that staying invisible kept you safe from arguments, scolding, or criticism. Maybe you found that keeping everyone around you happy ensured your own peace of mind. These behaviors aren’t random; they are survival mechanisms that helped you adapt to your environment.
For instance, if you grew up in a home where emotions were overwhelming or never addressed, you may have learned to suppress your own feelings to maintain harmony. Or if you were consistently criticized, you might have sought perfectionism to avoid being hurt again. Each of these responses, while not ideal in the long term, were adaptive in your younger years. They helped you feel a sense of control or stability in a world that, to a child, can often feel overwhelming.
Why These Behaviors Stop Working in Adulthood
As we grow into adults, the world changes—but our instincts often don’t. The behaviors we developed as children don’t recognize that we are no longer in those same situations. We aren’t in a classroom where silence equals good behavior, nor are we dependent on our parents’ approval to feel loved or safe.
But without realizing it, many of us carry these behaviors forward. We continue to keep quiet in relationships to avoid conflict, just as we did when we were kids. We chase external validation at work, just as we sought approval from teachers or caregivers. We hold onto perfectionism or over-apologize for mistakes, as though we’re still that child trying to avoid disapproval.
The trouble is, what once helped us cope and survive can now make us feel stuck, anxious, or overwhelmed. Behaviors that served us well as children can become obstacles in adulthood, preventing us from forming healthy relationships, standing up for ourselves, or simply enjoying life.
From Protection to Limitation: A Few Examples
1. People-pleasing: The Loss of Self As a child, seeking approval was a way to ensure we belonged and were cared for. But as an adult, people-pleasing can mean constantly putting others’ needs ahead of your own. You might struggle to say "no," leaving you exhausted and resentful because you never have space for yourself. What started as a way to earn love and affection might now be preventing you from setting healthy boundaries.
2. Perfectionism: Fear of Making Mistakes Maybe growing up, mistakes weren’t allowed in your household or you were only praised when you did something perfectly. Perfectionism was a shield, protecting you from criticism. But in adulthood, perfectionism can stop you from taking risks, trying new things, or embracing imperfections that are part of being human. It can leave you feeling paralyzed by the fear of failure or judgment.
3. Avoiding Conflict: The Need for Peace Some of us learned early on that avoiding conflict meant staying safe—emotionally or even physically. We may have grown up in environments where speaking up led to harsh consequences or where conflict was chaotic and unpredictable. But as adults, avoiding conflict often means silencing our own needs, allowing resentment to build, and feeling disconnected from others. Healthy relationships require honest communication, which means facing discomfort at times.
Recognizing When It’s Time to Let Go
The key to healing lies in recognizing when these old behaviors no longer serve us. It’s like carrying around a heavy coat on a sunny day—what once kept us warm is now weighing us down. But letting go of these behaviors can feel uncomfortable or even scary. After all, they’ve been our way of navigating life for so long.
Yet, the very act of noticing these patterns is the first step toward change. Ask yourself, “Why am I doing this? What am I afraid will happen if I don’t?” By reflecting on the origins of your behaviors, you can begin to see how they were once helpful but have now outlived their usefulness.
Embracing New Ways of Being
The beauty of adulthood is that we can choose new ways of being. While the child within us will always be part of who we are, we have the opportunity to gently let go of the behaviors that are no longer helpful.
If you’ve spent years avoiding conflict, for example, you can practice speaking your truth, little by little, in safe spaces. If people-pleasing has drained you, you can learn to say "no" without guilt, recognizing that your needs matter just as much as anyone else’s. If perfectionism has kept you stuck, you can embrace the idea that “good enough” is often the path to growth and fulfillment.
By understanding where these patterns come from, we can begin to break free from them, allowing ourselves to live with more freedom, authenticity, and joy. And just as we adapted as children to survive, we can now adapt as adults to thrive.
Moving Forward with Compassion
It’s important to approach this process with compassion for yourself. After all, these behaviors were born from a place of survival, and they’ve helped you get this far. But now, you have the tools and awareness to create new, healthier patterns that support your growth and well-being.
Remember: you’re no longer the child who needed to hide, please, or perfect. You’re the adult who can choose to show up, set boundaries, and embrace life on your own terms.
Add comment
Comments